Dear Santa
I know I’m a bit early this year but I appreciate how busy you get so thought I’d give you a head start on this one.
It’s my arse you see. I’ve lost a fair bit of weight since the beginning of the year and am much happier. Unfortunately my boobs and bum just seem to have got bigger. People tell me they are more “prominent” because of the weight loss but I know better.
In your many years on earth you will no doubt have seen many things and am sure you will agree with me when I say, gravity can be a bitch. Any chance of a magical lift?
Love Her-who-promises-NOT-to-leave-you-one-of-her-own-mince-pies-this-year-and-go-to-M&S-instead
*****
Dear Self
A dirty orange sofa, with goose feather cushions. WHAT exactly were you thinking. Win the lottery immediately and replace the 3 seater & chair with something muted and classy. That is not orange.
Her who walks around the living room with her eyes closed.
****
Dear DVD remote.
Your cousins, Sky remote and TV remote stay where we leave them. Always. As a result we dust them down, change their batteries regularly and stop the baby chewing on them. If you want to be treated with the same respect, stop hiding! It’s not funny, and it’s not clever!
Me x
*****
Dear Washing Machine
You are crap. Half of your programmes no longer work and those that do I’m not convinced about. Don’t sit there looking smug, I am going to replace you before long and then you are going to the big old scrap heap in the sky.
Her who covets a shiny washer that isn’t work-shy x
******
Dear Clothing companies.
I am a lovely person. I have lost a fair bit of weight. Santa is (hopefully) taking care of the lack of pertness around my rear end but I am left with a serious problem. I have no clothes. I am shortly going to be doing the school run naked, which is illegal (and wrong) and I’m too pretty to go to prison. Which one of you wants to sponsor me a new kickarse wardrobe?
Her who doesn’t look good naked!
*****
Dear Domestic Goddess within
Have the weekend off, you deserve it.
Love, The Lazy Cow on the Outside
*******
Dear Kitty and Louis (Xfactor).
What in the name of all things musical?? I am watching you, not to improve your ratings but so I can stalk you properly and kick your backside if you make me cringe once more!
Just saying x
*****
Dear Readers
Spread the Curly & Candid love. I’m sure there are many people out there who would benefit from my sparkling wit (sarcasm) and humour (piss-taking). Share the love and point them this way. I love meeting new fans, they make me feel shiny and special.
As always, thanks for reading!!
Me who loves you all and honestly didn’t write these whilst drinking gin (ahem).
