In Funny, General

Dear So and So

Author Nicki CawoodPosted on 28 Comments

Dear Santa

I know I’m a bit early this year but I appreciate how busy you get so thought I’d give you a head start on this one.

It’s my arse you see. I’ve lost a fair bit of weight since the beginning of the year and am much happier. Unfortunately my boobs and bum just seem to have got bigger. People tell me they are more “prominent” because of the weight loss but I know better.

In your many years on earth you will no doubt have seen many things and am sure you will agree with me when I say, gravity can be a bitch. Any chance of a magical lift?

Love Her-who-promises-NOT-to-leave-you-one-of-her-own-mince-pies-this-year-and-go-to-M&S-instead

*****

Dear Self

A dirty orange sofa, with goose feather cushions. WHAT exactly were you thinking. Win the lottery immediately and replace the 3 seater & chair with something muted and classy. That is not orange.

Her who walks around the living room with her eyes closed.

****

Dear DVD remote.

Your cousins, Sky remote and TV remote stay where we leave them. Always. As a result we dust them down, change their batteries regularly and stop the baby chewing on them. If you want to be treated with the same respect, stop hiding! It’s not funny, and it’s not clever!

Me x

*****

Dear Washing Machine

You are crap. Half of your programmes no longer work and those that do I’m not convinced about. Don’t sit there looking smug, I am going to replace you before long and then you are going to the big old scrap heap in the sky.

Her who covets a shiny washer that isn’t work-shy x

******

Dear Clothing companies.

I am a lovely person. I have lost a fair bit of weight. Santa is (hopefully) taking care of the lack of pertness around my rear end but I am left with a serious problem. I have no clothes. I am shortly going to be doing the school run naked, which is illegal (and wrong) and I’m too pretty to go to prison. Which one of you wants to sponsor me a new kickarse wardrobe?

Her who doesn’t look good naked!

*****

Dear Domestic Goddess within

Have the weekend off, you deserve it.

Love, The Lazy Cow on the Outside

*******

Dear Kitty and Louis (Xfactor).

What in the name of all things musical?? I am watching you, not to improve your ratings but so I can stalk you properly and kick your backside if you make me cringe once more!

Just saying x

*****

Dear Readers

Spread the Curly & Candid love. I’m sure there are many people out there who would benefit from my sparkling wit (sarcasm) and humour (piss-taking). Share the love and point them this way. I love meeting new fans, they make me feel shiny and special.

As always, thanks for reading!!

Me who loves you all and honestly didn’t write these whilst drinking gin (ahem).

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28 comments

  2. Fantastic post. If I ever wrote anything half as funny [which is unlikely!] I would definitely have to add something in about our dodgy boiler! It’s freezing in my house!!

  3. As always a talented writer who always manages to make a cold miserable morning much happier through sarcasm, wit and humour! You go girl x

  4. Dear Nicki, it’s good that you hate your sofa when the children are small. It means you can let them climb all over it, shoes, sticky fingers, the lot… and who cares. Promise yourself that when your little one is 7 you will have it re-covered or replaced. Until then you can relax and the boys can enjoy the climbing frame in the lounge.

    1. I would usually agree (which is why my half destroyed carpet is still in place) but this sofa is just hideous and sheds goose feathers and is …. there isn’t a word to describe it. I’ll send a pic later, just to prove it 🙂

  5. Ah Nicki, you do make me laugh but I do feel for you too. You are so dedicated to doing the right thing for your family that I know you’ve made a hundred sacrifices that probably only you know about. I sincerely hope there is someome in a better position to help with your wardrobe than me who reads this and feels the way I did. You could have the contents of my wardrobe in a heartbeat if it was worth having x

  6. Our TV remote has a habit of hiding. maybe it heard there was a baby on the way to chew it.

    I recently sent my work sky washing machine to the scrap heep in the sky. My new one is so quiet, I have to spy on it to check it’s actually working.

    Great letters.

  7. What is it with DVD remotes? Ours goes walk-about all the time.

    However, when you think about it, the Sky remote (in our case, Virgin remote) is always where it should be, as you said, so maybe it’s the one making the DVD remote hide by being a bully.

    For what reason I hear you ask?…So that the attention isn’t taken away from it and we think it’s special for being good and staying where it’s told.

    Hmmm could be onto something here.

    Or could just be going slightly cuckoo due to too much cough medicine!!

    Great post, as usual :0) xx

  9. I wish someone would sponsor me a new wardrobe too….I’ll just have to stick to rummaging in charity shops and rehashing old stuff into new! 🙂 Great list of things! x

  14. Ha, your post made me laugh, very funny! 🙂 So with you on the Louis front as well. As long as I can be first in line to aim a swift kick up his backside, he’s festeringly useless! 🙂

  15. As always I love the humor you put in your posts. Sometimes we just have to laugh at the things we don’t like that happen in our lives. Thank you for sharing and making me giggle.

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