Dear So and So: elephant p0rn, odd boots, cakes and more

Dear Self.
You remembered the cakes for the bake sale, the animal board game homework, 50p for Sports Relief, money for the Easter lunch next week, packed lunches, drinks, bags etc AND got to school on time.
It is a damn shame you didn’t realise you were wearing odd boots until you were half way home.
Her who actually finds this quite amusing.

Dear people who make underhand sarcastic comments.
Stop.
You are making a fool of yourself.
I am so much better at them than you, so much so that you haven’t realised I’m doing it.
Have you?
Love her who knows you are having to think back very carefully on recent conversations.

Dear School.
Today: Bake sale (to give cakes in and attend after school), Easter egg tombola (donate an egg and attend and spend), 50p for Sports Relief and sportswear, Easter lunch money, Phonics lesson (for parents!) at 2.30pm, homemade animal board-game to hand in….
Seriously?
I can’t remember which boot goes with which, this list is asking for trouble on one day.

Dear little sister
Thank you for bringing round the gorgeous buns for Kieran’s class bake sale.
I have of course passed them off as my own to the school though did tell some Mums they were yours.
Well I meant to say but I might have forgotten.
I can’t remember.
Anyway – thanks for the buns you may or may not have made for my son’s bake sale.
Love your ever grateful big sister x

Dear illnesses.
PISS OFF!
Kieran has had severe catarrh for week resulting in sudden onset high temps, headaches and neck pain, I have severe tonsillitis resulting in not being able to eat and feeling shocking, Roy has a nasty bug resulting in him only drinking for 36hrs and looking shocking.
Taylor isn’t ill *touch wood* but all this has resulted in him being mightily annoyed at how miserable the rest of us are.
Time to move on,
Thanks.

Dear Kieran.
Stepping away from my slightly bad mood self, Daddy and I are SO proud of you.
Your parent’s evening report was really good and we are thrilled with the little man you are becoming.
We love you (and so does Taylor).
Love Mummy x

Dear Readers,
It amazes me that you keep coming back. As always if there is something you’d love to see on C&C (and the answer to the person who previously emailed asking for elephant p0rn is a resounding no!) drop me an email via the contact box.
Have a good weekend all!
Nicki x

Dear So and So...

Dear So and So: The hormonal edition

Dear Facebook people
I have done something remarkable today.
I have un-friended or hidden from view Damn Auto Correct, Absolutely Madness and all the other similar funny apps and pages. I’m so into having a giggle but I’d lost sight of the social part of social media as far as Facebook goes.
Now I can see PEOPLE!
Her who likes to interact x

******

Dear the snotty teenager that called me a curly haired freak outside Tesco.
I went to school with your Mother.
Now who is laughing Mr Cool Dude with the cackling friends!
Love her who doesn’t take crap from people who can’t pull their trousers all the way up over their pants x

******

Dear body.
What?? Wrong time of the month, stinking cold, sore coccyx.
I’ll do you a deal, I’ll continue slimming and working out in an effort to make you look better and you reciprocate by making me feel nice. Deal?
Her who may be slightly hormonal

*************

Dear people who continually private message me or DM asking me to promote your product, page or RT/share something important that will help your business.
Please stop.  It is akin to annoying spam.
If I DM’d you constantly and begged you to plug my copywriting services I imagine you find this annoying.
It is the same thing.
Her who is tweaking her followers and friends accordingly.

******

Dear Delivery Gentleman
You are too old to be playing knock and run.
Try this.
Knock.
Wait thirty seconds….(1 elephant, 2elephants, 3 elephants)
Knock again
Wait.
Then put the card through.
Ok?
Thanks
Her who is sick or rearranging deliveries.

*****

Dear anyone else feeling hormonal &  cranky
I have to recommend Caitlin Moran’s book, How to be a woman. Bloody genius!
Just don’t read it on a packed train as people get alarmed when you have spontaneous bursts of belly laughter or mutter and snigger under your breath,
Enjoy!

Dear So and So...