The Winter Growler Guide

I’ve thought long and hard about this and I feel it is time to talk about our topiary schedule once more. We’ve talked about general Lady Garden grooming and Smear Test preparation but now we need to have a frank discussion about the Winter Growler.

Ladies up here in the North will know what I mean when I mention Winter Growler. For those that don’t a WG is the practice of letting your garden grow wild for winter, keeping your nethers (and possibly your knees) warm during the bitter British months.

winter growler

Now, I’m all for proper grooming but at the same time, I believe we have body hair for a reason and when it is chuffing freezing outside a little extra self-grown warmth is never a bad thing. That said, there are still some guidelines that must be adhered to when it comes to autumn/winter hair matters.

Start Growing Early

Hair grows more quickly in the summer, up to as much as 15% faster as the warm weather aids blood circulation to the skin which gets those hair cells moving. Bearing in mind the fact that hair growth slows down in the cold I believe you need to start growing the winter hair out now. If you are still trimming… STOP, otherwise, you won’t get adequate coverage of your special parts

Winter Growler Shoe Decoration is Not Required

Growing out your lady garden does not mean you can have yeti legs. No-one wants to see your dangly leg hairs flopping over your sensible autumn shoes so I’d advise following the Rule of Hairless Leg Crossing. Basically, you only need to shave as high as the line on your legs that can be seen if you cross your legs and your trousers ride up.

Wear Proper Pants!

If you choose to show off your blown dry muff to all and sundry in the gym changing room due to wearing teeny tiny pants then that is up to you, however, you should stop and consider for a minute WHY you are growing out the garden. A WG is not about fashion, it is about warmth; after all, a farmer wouldn’t shear a sheep in the middle of winter surely? Wearing small pants will allow accumulated warmth to escape (and there is also the risk of trapping escaped hair in your zip which is never pleasant).

At the end of the day how big your winter growler is allowed to get is up to you however as a rough guide I would say that the minimum length for optimum cosiness is probably is that stage where you can get a couple of inches worth of decent plaits in.

Whatever your Winter Growler plans are this autumn/winter I wish you great warmth and very few tangles.

Winter growler,
Great growth!

Lady Garden… Smear Test Edition

Lady Garden… Smear Test Edition

Those who enjoyed my Lady Garden post might find this edition interesting.

Yesterday was my smear test. For me having the actual test doesn’t cause me any concern. After having two children despite struggling with fertility issues I’m not convinced that there isn’t a health provider left in North Yorkshire that hasn’t seen my lady parts. No, for me the smear test provides a different concern…. what to do about the winter growler?

Now, obviously, I had to do something as I couldn’t turn up un-trimmed. Really there should be an option to go and have a “Smear Test Tidy” the same way that you can go for a Brazilian wax or similar. That way there would be no confusion over what is the best style to go for. After agonising over the dilemma I went for “clean and tidy”. Going for a respectable style is the best way I feel when it comes to these things. Who knew that a simple but essential medical test could cause such topiary tension?

My advice is that the best style of front garden fashioning for appointments such a these has to be a style you are comfortable with. Do not, however, do what I did. I spent so much time making sure my lady bits were presentable and my pedicure up to spec that I forgot to shave my legs. Yeti doesn’t come close… oh the shame! I’m concerned that I will have to turn up fully vajazzled next time to make up for this faux pas!

The Smear Test: On a More Serious Note

Hopefully, this will make you laugh but also remind you that joking aside, cervical testing is important. I wrote this post purely to grab people’s attention so that I could remind them to call their health centre and get booked in. Find out more here and if you are due, make that appointment. My last smear test, as they’re known, took minutes and to be honest was over before I knew it had begun. Those few minutes are well worth the peace of mind of knowing I was all clear, just as they would have been if something had been found so that treatment could be arranged.

Oh, and just to add, medical staff will tell you that if they’ve seen one, they’ve seen them all so seriously, don’t go getting yourself buffed for the smear test appointment. The chances are they won’t even notice. The practical part of your appointment is over in minutes at most. You’ll spend more of your time folding your jeans and pants up carefully.