I’ve thought long and hard about this and I feel it is time to talk about our topiary schedule once more. We’ve talked about general Lady Garden grooming and Smear Test preparation but now we need to have a frank discussion about the Winter Growler.
Ladies up here in the North will know what I mean when I mention Winter Growler; for those that don’t a WG is the practice of letting your garden grow wild for winter, keeping your nethers (and possibly your knees) warm during the bitter British months.
Now, I’m all for proper grooming but at the same time I believe we have body hair for a reason and when it is chuffing freezing outside a little extra self-grown warmth is never a bad thing. That said, there are still some guidelines that must be adhered to when it comes to autumn/winter hair matters.
1. Start Early
Hair grows more quickly in the summer, up to as much as 15% faster as the warm weather aids blood circulation to the skin which gets those hair cells moving. Bearing in mind the fact that hair growth slows down in the cold I believe you need to start growing the winter hair out now. If you are still trimming… STOP, otherwise you won’t get adequate coverage of your special parts
2. Shoe Decoration is Not Required
Growing out your lady garden does not mean you can have yeti legs. No-one wants to see your dangly leg hairs flopping over your sensible autumn shoes so I’d advise following the Rule of Hairless Leg Crossing. Basically, you only need to shave as high as the line on your legs that can be seen if you cross your legs and your trousers ride up.
3. Wear Proper Pants!
If you choose to show off your blown dry muff to all and sundry in the gym changing room due to wearing teeny tiny pants then that is up to you, however, you should stop and consider for a minute WHY you are growing out the garden. A WG is not about fashion, it is about warmth; after all a farmer wouldn’t shear a sheep in the middle of winter surely? Wearing small pants will allow accumulated warmth to escape (and there is also the risk of trapping escaped hair in your zip which is never pleasant).
At the end of the day how big your winter growler is allowed to get is up to you however as a rough guide I would say that the minimum length for optimum cosiness is probably is that stage where you can get a couple of inches worth of decent plaits in.
Whatever your Winter Growler plans are this autumn/winter I wish you great warmth and very few tangles.