The Lady Garden


photo by baboonâ„¢ via PhotoRee

Apologies in advance to any gardening enthusiasts who have have happened upon this post looking for hints and tips on sprucing their garden up. This IS about bush trimming but is probably not what you are looking for.

The trimming of the bush!

It’s the beginning of a new year and many of us have decided to ditch the crap and lose weight, becoming healthier as we go. After reading a post by Liz Jarvis about wanting to ditch the bigger knickers, I vowed to ditch the M&S belly grabbers and get into smaller and more lady-like knickers. The only problem with this is… what do I do about the topiary?

I’m a Northern gal; it gets cold up in here in Yorkshire and I believe that the fuzz is there for a reason. That said, there is a difference between warm and protected and looking like there is an escaped fur-ball on the loose in your granny pants.

What IS the “best” way to sort the shrub? I vividly remember someone telling me once about their Brazilian Wax appointment (we don’t talk any more, clearly we had nothing in common), and I’m told that you can indeed shape your bush topiary-style if you wish. What do you do? I’m quite happy as an established married woman to give myself a quick short back and sides with a razor but is it enough? What if my lady garden is no longer up to spec in the design department? Should I be shaping, tweezing, waxing and buffing?

More to the point, how does one know what is fashionable? I am not going to Google “how to shave my Mary” because I am pretty sure my laptop will explode. I have never seen a tweet that reads, “Hey guys, my bush is overgrown, what do I do?” so I’m guessing that is not the done thing to do either. I know, I’ll do a post about it, that’s nice and discreet!

So come on ladies, what is the right way to spruce the bush?


Written by


  1. sorry i cant provide a sensible reponse as I am howling with laughter!! and i cannot tell my husband why i am laughing so much for the tears!! Only you love, only you!!! x

  2. I totally agree with Amy…this is perfectly you.

    As for “shaving my mary” well, that had me in fits. I now feel quite unwell from laughing so hard.

    I do indeed hope that you find a solution to your topiary demands, and if you do find one…please remember to share.

  3. Erm, I just do the short back and sides thing too…? No chance I’ll ever let wax near there!! >_<
    And will you stop saying you're Northern when you're so far SOUTH of me?!?! 😛

  4. This post ought to have carried a warning not to read when the children are about, since my hubby & 5 year old just asked me what was making me laugh so hard. I just looked a bit shifty and said nothing.

    If you get an answer, I’m with Sarah – it’s polite to share. Unless it includes wax, cos that is *never* going to happen.

  5. Of course I had to do a search on “How to shave my Mary” – havent heard it called that since I was little. The results on provided even more giggles, especially the first entry which reads “I regularly shave my pet cat, Mary.” Hmmm. But keep scrolling!

  6. Me- I get rid of it all- can’t bear it (pardon the pun!). But giving you a serious and helpful answer I would suggest a Remington Trim and Shave. Basically a mini set of clippers for your bush, allowing you to well…trim and shave…in whatever way pleases you!! Not pricey either xxxx

  7. Having read this post whilst sat in the dark whilst my 2yo daughter nods off to sleep, the bedtime took longer than usual as I laughed my head off at this post! So you’re ‘fessing up to a “winter growler” ROFL! Trim & Veet – wax, if you’re MAD! Fab post & may there be many more like this! Cx

  8. Love this post! Very honest!
    Please don’t shave, you will see it coming through in a few days and you will be itching like there’s no tomorrow which will leave you with a sexy stubbly red rash :-/
    Please dont be scared of booking yourself in for a wax, it leaves you with a great result. In between, trim the remaining hair.

    Hope you end up with top topiary xx

  9. Lol you are so funny! I first panicked about this when I was pregnant with my son; I knew so little about giving birth that I was worried that you had to shave down there before going into labour.
    I discovered a waterproof ladies shaver with an edge for ‘trimming’ the bush! Now I use the Wilkinson sword quattro – which is a normal razor with a battery and a trimming bit. It’s fab!

    So there’s no need to go nude, just shave the edges of the bush and trim the rest; that’s my advice! Makes for easier access ;o)

    Mind you I read a book somewhere that said that if you decide to shave the lot off, the itching thing gets better second time around – I’m just not willing to test it, so let us know if you do!!!

  10. Honestly, these comments are far better than the post.
    One piece of advice I would offer to all…
    When young and silly and buying a product such as Nair it IS good to read the instructions and “test” in an unseen area to check for allergies. It is however not good to choose your bikini line.

    YOU try and itch discreetly when you have a reaction!

  11. Very valid piece! A subject not broached often enough! Wax it! Get a mobile beautician to come to you on a Friday night and use red wine to numb the pain. That’s what I do.

  12. LOL! My hubby once bought me a book on Lady Topiary as a joke for Christmas several years ago. Must try and dig it out for you!

  13. Thank you SO much for posting this blog and to everyone else for their insightful comments! As well as making me chuckle lots, it’s provided me with lots of useful tips. Definitely a topic that needs to be much more out in the open, although (in my case at least) possibly not literally…

  14. Brilliant. I’m a Northern girl too. Wax is without doubt the only way, but whatever you do, don’t do it yourself. Get it done professionally and it’s over in minutes. And only a few years ago I never thought I’d be writing those words!

  15. If you are going for was then use hot wax not strip wax as you are more likely to get ingrowing hairs! And I have to say the only way is laser treatemnt but it takes time and money ( cheaper than it was!) – but it does last!!

  16. Hi, I’ve only just found your blog so I’ve loads of reading to do. Found this totally hilarious and laughing so much I can’t really give you a good answer. Sam xx

Comments are closed.