Dear Kieran
When I tell you off for putting too big a mouthful of food in when eating, and I wave a whole hash brown in the air and say “what would happen if I put all of this in my mouth at once?”, the appropriate answer is “Choke, Mummy”.
“You will get fat Mummy” with a deadly serious face is NOT the appropriate answer. That will just make Daddy squeak like a pig on a honeymoon and run upstairs so he can have a huge belly laugh at my expense in private.
Ok?
Love Mummy x
*****
Dear Husband
Re: Above.
Getting all the way upstairs before collapsing with gleeful laughter would have worked better.
Just saying,
The Wife x
******
Dear Half-Term
I’m sorry but I don’t remember ordering poorly children?
For the first half of the week Kieran has had a hideous cough, now Taylor has a high temp, has been sick and looks set to start with a stinking cough.
The half term is supposed to be when kids get a bit of rest and kick-back time. Please sort something out for the last few days!
Her who loathes seeing her kids poorly!
********
Dear Nameless Company
On the 4th September I ordered a gorgeous wooden kitchen table and chairs that was due to come within 14days.
TODAY (so the 14days was a bit stretched) I took delivery of a poorly made, badly finished table (of sorts) which stained the hands when you touched the wood as it wasn’t sealed.
Seriously?
You can now have you table back, along with the letter which explains about customer service standards amongst other things.
Her who has two children and no sodding table!
*******
Dear AppliancesOnline
I love you!
No really, huge smooches from me to you. You have restored my faith in not just good but excellent service!
My new Bosch machine (which I have now stopped stroking and am now using) is just plain beautiful.
Top marks!
Her who is far too attached to what is actually a household appliance!
*****
Dear Coffee Table
You and me need to have a talk about your sticky out edges.
Ok, I know they have always been there but surely, seeing as it’s 2o11 you should have the ability to jump out of the way every-time my not-so-slim legs come bounding your way?
Her with many multicoloured bruises x
*****
And last but not least…
To the very loud teenagers who stood outside my house with your loud voices.
Yes, cider is minging.
No, it’s not cool to lose your virginity to a “skanky boy”
Yes, smoking will make you smell
No, that isn’t a good colour on you,
And yes… it is not appropriate to fookety fook fook fooking or frigging swear outside my house which has small children in it who love to copy things they know will embarrass their parents if repeated in public.
Next time I will go upstairs and drop a bucket of friggety frigging cold fooking water on your sweary heads.
Ok?
Her who is shipping her kids out when they hit 13 and having them returned as well mannered 18yr olds.
