Funny Archives - Page 12 of 23

Dear Carpet Cleaning Company

When I book an appointment, and confirm I expect someone to turn up or at least call.

I don’t expect to spend ages moving furniture and wasting my time.

I don’t expect to finally track a number down, ring and be told that the number is that of the new owner who lives in an entirely different area.

What a crock!

Her who is NOT happy and still has a manky carpet!

*******

Dear snow.

You may now bugger off.

You were cute until after the first snowmen were made. Now you are cold and slippery.

I am not amused with you,

Go away.

Her who is cold and cranky because she has a manky carpet.

*******

Dear Aquafit

I so kicked your butt on Wednesday. I’m actually feeling quite proud of myself.

I got into a swimsuit.

I remembered to pack my towels and shampoo…..

Damn shame I shaved all of my legs apart from the strip right down the front of my left leg.

Her who must try harder not to shame herself!

*****

Have a great weekend all!

Dear Friday the 13th

I’m not superstitious, and I am confident that today’s date isn’t unlucky.

Do you know why?

Because I didn’t break anything when I slipped down the stairs this morning.

How lucky was THAT!

Love her with a sore behind x

****

Dear Kieran

I love you son but opening my eyes in the middle of the night to find you stood over the bed, half awake, half asleep yourself and waiting patiently for me to wake up so you can ask for a drink…. that’s a no-no.

Much as I love you, that is just freaky!

Love Mummy x

*****

Dear nasty bugs and coughs.

It appears you like my home at the moment. I can see why, we are a friendly bunch.

I’m afraid I must insist however that you PISS OFF already!

Her who hates seeing her fellas poorly.

PS I do however appreciate that you’ve spared me, good move, thanks!

*****

Dear School.

Please track down the little boy who in the last week has told Kieran that

1) When Taylor was born he fell out of my bottom

2) That when he fell out he was covered in poo

And give him a gold star – I have had LOADS of fun referring the associated questions on to Daddy.

*****

Dear Slow Cooker

How I love you. I pop you on after school run and then let you simmer away beautifully. You and I are having good times at the moment, experimenting with healthy recipes.

If you could just work out how to self clean I would probably divorce Roy and marry you.

Love her who loves her slow cooker x

*****

Dear One Born Every Minute fans.

I’m a OBEM virgin. I’ve never dared watch it because I know I will spend the whole thing blubbing however…. the births of my two were sospecial, one “normally” (if there is such a thing) and one c-section. Am I missing out?

What do people think, advise me! Is it THAT good?

Her who is conflicted.

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Dear So and So!

Dear So and So – Friday 13th Edition