Supermarket Hell

Bitching and backbiting, snatching, bad tempers, intimidation….no it’s not Twitter, it’s the Supermarket!

To get to my nearest store, which is just round the corner, I have to first get past the collection of trolleys blocking the pedestrian access whose wheels have locked because people have tried to take them out of the designated area.

Then it’s a case of nagivating my way around the groups of loud and sweary teenagers (don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind teenagers, I was one and will have two of my own before I know it). The car park is the current “place to be” it seems, why the county council can’t find the kids somewhere to go that they can call their own, is anyone’s guess.

Then it’s grab a trolley and battle through the first entrance where 101 people with shopping filled bags are waiting for their lifts / taxis and someone is collecting for something (again, no issue with charities but I always pay on my card and don’t have change so feel really tight!).

Into the store and I get a few brief seconds of quiet and calm before I hit the actual aisles. I have shopped at the same supermarket off and on for many years. I am yet to work out a pattern that will warn me when the stocking up will take place. It seems to be a different time every day. Well stocked shelves are great but when the already too-tight aisles are packed with dawdling shoppers AND huge metal cages with bags attached for rubbish it can make doing your actual shopping a feat of navigation to rival all other.

Then there is the abuse. I would not work in a supermarket, ever. The reason for this blank refusal to ever consider such a job stems from the fact that you need to have the patience of a saint. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard some poor staff worker, doing his/her job just fine but being severely berated because the price of this has gone up or something has moved. Real abuse folks, and it’s completely unnecessary.

Once I’ve got my shopping, have got around the obstacles, avoided the glare of the abusive shoppers and headed for the till, suddenly there are a million people, (who are clearly doing a monthly shop), in front of me in the queue for the three open tills. I believe this is commonly referred to as “Sods Law”.

On trying to leave the store, especially if in a hurry, I set the alarm off. When I say me, I mean one of the six people who tried squeezing out the doors as the same time as me who have by this point joined the 101 people in the entrance and the charity collector, and some of the teenagers (because it’s getting cold out) so that they can all turn and watch me, red faced, prove to the security guard that it was NOT ME that set the alarm off.

Thank goodness for online grocery shopping!

Dear So and So

Dear Kieran

When I tell you off for putting too big a mouthful of food in when eating, and I wave a whole hash brown in the air and say “what would happen if I put all of this in my mouth at once?”, the appropriate answer is “Choke, Mummy”.

“You will get fat Mummy” with a deadly serious face is NOT the appropriate answer. That will just make Daddy squeak like a pig on a honeymoon and run upstairs so he can have a huge belly laugh at my expense in private.

Ok?

Love Mummy x

*****

Dear Husband

Re: Above.

Getting all the way upstairs before collapsing with gleeful laughter would have worked better.

Just saying,

The Wife x

******

Dear Half-Term

I’m sorry but I don’t remember ordering poorly children?

For the first half of the week Kieran has had a hideous cough, now Taylor has a high temp, has been sick and looks set to start with a stinking cough.

The half term is supposed to be when kids get a bit of rest and kick-back time. Please sort something out for the last few days!

Her who loathes seeing her kids poorly!

********

Dear Nameless Company

On the 4th September I ordered a gorgeous wooden kitchen table and chairs that was due to come within 14days.

TODAY (so the 14days was a bit stretched) I took delivery of a poorly made, badly finished table (of sorts) which stained the hands when you touched the wood as it wasn’t sealed.

Seriously?

You can now have you table back, along with the letter which explains about customer service standards amongst other things.

Her who has two children and no sodding table!

*******

Dear AppliancesOnline

I love you!

No really, huge smooches from me to you. You have restored my faith in not just good but excellent service!

My new Bosch machine (which I have now stopped stroking and am now using) is just plain beautiful.

Top marks!

Her who is far too attached to what is actually a household appliance!

*****

Dear Coffee Table

You and me need to have a talk about your sticky out edges.

Ok, I know they have always been there but surely, seeing as it’s 2o11 you should have the ability to jump out of the way every-time my not-so-slim legs come bounding your way?

Her with many multicoloured bruises x

*****

And last but not least…

To the very loud teenagers who stood outside my house with your loud voices.

Yes, cider is minging.

No, it’s not cool to lose your virginity to a “skanky boy”

Yes, smoking will make you smell

No, that isn’t  a good colour on you,

And yes…  it is not appropriate to fookety fook fook fooking or frigging swear outside my house which has small children in it who love to copy things they know will embarrass their parents if repeated in public.

Next time I will go upstairs and drop a bucket of friggety frigging cold fooking water on your sweary heads.

Ok?

Her who is shipping her kids out when they hit 13 and having them returned as well mannered 18yr olds.

Dear So and So...