On a Sunday I usually post a SilentSunday picture. Just a photo, no words, that sums up my week. I haven’t taken anything suitable this week so I thought I share an old post with you instead (written March 2010 but still very valid for many!).
One of the biggest lessons I’ve found since becoming a Mum is that suddenly everyone is an expert and so keen to criticise your parenting choices! This saddens me more than you know.
I am a bottle-feeder, I haven’t fed on demand, I put my two boys into their own cots in their own rooms from day one, I don’t attend Baby Massage and I weaned my eldest at 3.5months (& it wasn’t baby-led weaning either!). I decided to go back to work full-time (therefore abandoning my child), but changed my mind and stayed at home instead (avoiding the opportunity to instil a firm work ethic into my child).
Shocked?
We were told that we may not ever be able to conceive after a diagnosis of PCOS but we don’t like being told what we can or can’t do. Early in 2005 we fell pregnant but it wasn’t to be. We were devastated to say the least. When I fell pregnant again later that year I daren’t breathe for the first 4 months but after that we settled into thinking about motherhood and how we wanted to raise our child/ren. We decided that we wanted to bottle feed. I wanted Roy (the long-suffering husband) to have as much to do with the feeding process as possible, the idea of expressing horrified me (if anyone even glanced at my chest during pregnancy the “girls” started to throb), and to be honest, it just didn’t appeal to me. Perhaps it’s the control freak in me but I like knowing how many ounces have been taken.
Well… I would have got a less fierce/shocked/disappointed response to “I’m a heroin addict and sell myself at the weekend to fund my habit” than the reaction to “I’ve decided to bottle-feed” from some quarters! And some of these people were “friends”! Don’t I know breast is best? Of course I do, and don’t get me wrong I think breastfeeding is the most beautiful and nurturing thing going – it just wasn’t for me.
Putting the boys into their own rooms… when Kieran was born, this was more of a room issue than anything else but as we were adjoining and in a bungalow, it was never an issue as he was only a few feet away. When Taylor was born, we had moved but the room is still next door – and again, he has settled fantastically from day one. In fact both boys slept through from an early age, Kieran at 3.5wks and Taylor at 7wks (and no, this was not why I chose to bottle-fed etc, I have found myself explaining again and again).
Both boys are thriving. The Health Visitor told me at 5 months that Kieran was perfect, “absolutely thriving” were her words, and asked if I’d thought about weaning yet. When I explained this started at 3.5months she chuckled and said “Well, I can’t say a thing to that can I? He was clearly ready!” And he was. Taylor, is (gulp) nearly 16 weeks and nowhere near ready for weaning, each to their own.
Throughout Kieran’s early days I got plenty of comments about my choices, and would back away, find myself making excuses or mumbling but those days have passed. I have two happy & healthy boys. I am confident that the choices I have made have been the right ones for us, and I won’t apologise for them. Most Mums have been subjected to criticism at some point or other (for those of you with babies only – just wait until your toddler has their first meltdown in Tescos! EVERYONE has a comment for you then lol) and I don’t think that will ever change really. My message to you all is to stick to your guns (assuming your parenting style does not involve ritual beatings) and don’t get caught up in it all. Celebrate your family and enjoy every minute of them, they grow so quickly!
I think it’s really sad that some people have nothing better to do than pick holes in other people’s parenting choices. You make your choices based on what’s best for your family, not to please society.
I have 3 children & all are different. Our 1st I attempted to breastfeed and failed. He was bottle fed from 2wks, in his own room at 3months & weaned at 16wks.
Our 2nd was bottle fed from day 1 ( due to PND & Anti- Depressants). She went into her cot at 6months. She weaned at 10months showing no interest what-so-ever in food before then.
Our 3rd was and still is breastfed at nearly 10months old. I had major complications in pregnancy & she was low birth weight. I only planned to feed her for a few weeks to help her along, but she refused to take a bottle (& still does). She also co-sleeps & hates her cot!!
I wouldn’t dream of criticising someone’s parenting choices, whether they’re my friends or family & definitely not strangers.
P.S – I’ve also suffered with the Tesco tantrums!! A few months ago, was shopping with the 2 youngest & baby got irritable so started screaming. One woman told be to “Shut the bloody baby up” I was too shocked to say anything back.
Fabulous post and I totally agree with you!
I have 2 children and decided to bottle feed both as it was my choice and my choice alone. I feel a lot of the time women are trying too hard to be the perfect mother and please everyone (well mainly the other mothers and girl friends watching them).
I do not think anyone should be judged, everyone is different so if I decide to give my son a chocolate bar at lunch time I will. They are our children and we should shower them with love, that’s the main thing. So please people stop being so judge mental, we are all doing the same hard job so should support one another.
I’ve always been amazed at how horrible people can be about how we choose to feed/sleep our babies. I am pro breastfeeding, but have learned to keep my thoughts to myself, because breastfeeding isn’t always the right choice for some Mum’s, and to be honest, is damn hard work, and believe me, I get a lot of flack because I’m nursing a toddler, so the criticism is always there on both sides. My nephew is formula fed, he’s the same age as my son, and he’s doing just as well, both phsyically and emotionally, my best friend formula fed her son, same age as my daughter, and if you put all 4 in a room, you cannot tell who was breastfed and who was not (the recent article about formula fed children behaving worse, made me laugh, because my 2 are just as naughty as anyone else’s kids!) We all do what works for us, and what is best, formula is not poison, and I get very annoyed when people hassle formula feeding Mum’s. Bog off and mind your own business.
I fed breast and formula until 6mnths, DD has always slept in my room, and in my bed from 16mnths (she’s now 2 1/2), we started solids at 5mmnths. On the other hand I do drugs and sell myself at the weekends to fund my habit. (Just kidding about last sentence).
Btw, my best friend also decided that breast wasn’t for her. Her eldest is at medical school, her son is training to be a pilot, number 3 is in the army and youngest is a year ahead of her age in school and top of the science set. Must have been something extra in the formula!
oh don’t get me started. How come everyone is so quick to judge you when you become a mother? it’s like more added pressure of being a mother. last week someone told me that I was a bad mother because i like to have a night out and i drink alcohol on my nights out. it’s not like I go out every weekend! Apparently, you have to give up your life when you become a mam!! the worst people are the jealous people. the people that see you happy. so sack them and like you said enjoy your family!!
Other people are always so quick to judge but really what is best as you as a mum is best for your baby. Both my boys were weaned quickly from breast to bottle, they were hungry little boys and i jsut couldnt keep up with it all nor did i feel the need to, i was bottled fed and i turned out okay.. both slept in their own room from day one… both are great sleepers.. like you i have no problem with my decisions..
Good post….
You know your kids best, and i really dont understand how others can be anything more than an “opinion” or how they go beyond “i would done this differently but that up to you” attitude.
You dont know MY kids, and i know yours. I spend MUCH more time with them, damn AM A MOTHER!
Friends can be difficult sometimes….
Wow. I can relate to so much of this! Also have PCOS so overjoyed/amazed at getting pregnant. So much so was actually not very prepared. Also chose to bottle feed after first 4/52 as had a work conference away for a day when W 7/52 old. Began weaning at 4/12 as W was ready and returned to work 2-3 days a week when he was 4/12 old. Thankfully he is also happy, healthy and thriving and I love my work-life balance. Thanks for this post. I loved it.
I completely agre with everything you have posted and its sad to think you may have been made to feel bad about YOUR choices for YOUR baby, I pretty much did the total opposite to you,I breastfed till 9 months with my first two, breastfeed till 18 months with my third, baby led weaned and co sleeped! But I accept that is not for everyone and I would never dream of saying it should be, as I also had lots of negitivity around my choice as it seems no matter what you do there will always be someone who doesn’t agree, and that is why its so important to be happy with your own choices as you simply can never please everyone else so the best you can do is make sure you and your family are happy with your choices.
Sorry this post is a bit confusing. You said that of course you knew that breat was best but it just wasn’t for you? Do you mean that you have heard of the slogan? Or that you are actually aware of the undisputable and mounting scientific evidence that breatfeeding is critically important in protecting people from a wide range if illnesses such as various cancers obesity diabetes etc THROUGHOUT their WHOLE LIVES?
Because really before making a decision not to breastfeed you should have done some research and if you did do the research and then just decided, with no mediacl or psychological reason to back you up, that”it just wasn’t for me” then yes you are one very selfish woman who deserves the criticism you got. No you are right, it isn’t just for you, it’s for the future life long health of the child. Grow up selfish Mum and realise tht your decision was based on your wants and needs alone.
To all the other mums out there who applaud this article, well, isn’t it about time that we all realised that parenting is about sacrifice and ultimately reward? Stay at home mothers are undervalues and often passively villified by working women and society, I’m sick to death of selfish parents. Why bother having them if you won’t put their best interests over your own. Breastfeeding “Just wasn’t for me” O. M.G