Medical Mishaps #funny

I avoid the doctors surgery/hospitals whenever I can, and you are soon to find out why.

I seem to find myself in the strangest of scenarios. Here are three of my favourites.

  1. On visiting the GP for a repeat prescription (not my usual GP as he was on holiday), I was greeted with….                    “Stop! I know what is wrong with already. I can tell straight away how you are feeling, and you have a fat neck“. Silly cow was lucky not to have a fat lip after that comment. She proceeded to tell me I was tired, feeling low, had no energy… and told me my thyroid was knackered. Good Lord – I only went in for a repeat on my contraceptive pill! I left with an appointment for blood tests re my thyroid, feeling like death warmed up, and without my prescription. Test results concluded I have a wonderful thyroid, I just have a naturally fat neck.
  2. I went to the GP at 37 weeks with a thrombosed pile! Seriously, think a excrutiating third bumcheek. My GP asked me to get up on the trolley and show him. First off, I was a very heavy 37wk-er so getting up on the trolley via a stepstool was well, lets just say, it took ages! One peek and his comment was “My word, that is massive!”. My reply was “I’m assuming you mean the pile, not my rear end!“. Cue trip to A&E, and the on-call insisted on first calling Maternity to tell them I was here and what was wrong etc before doing anything. On the phone he bellowed “Yes, Mrs Cawood, lives at ****, yes Mrs Cawood, 2 ****** Close, Yes, thrombosed piles, yes piles, very large, anal yes, Mrs Cawood…..“.                                                                                                                             The sniggers from everyone in cubicles, were only slightly more obvious than my husband’s who was desperately trying to mask them. Then on-call then decided we needed a consultant to deal with the problem, so back on the phone, again very loudly “Mrs  Cawood, (reeled off my address, full name, DOB), HUGE, thrombosed pile, yes Sir, too large for me to deal with,  I would appreciate your input, bigger than anything I’ve seen before” (Seriously – I’m sure at this point I heard someone sobbing in glee down the corridor). Yes, I made other people in cubicles very very happy!
  3. My first smear, oh yes – who could forget that first appointment!? In I went, undressed as instructed, and up into the stirrups. This is not one of the most dignified of procedures that is for sure. There were two people in the room, which I assumed was the norm. What I didn’t realise, not having been told (naughty, naughty), was that the person doing the smear was a student. After much umming and arghhing the student turned to her colleague and said “Um is it supposed to look like THAT?”. Well I was unimpressed to say the least but no more embarrassed than the student when I barked, “Well excuse me, but I’ve never had any complaints before now!”.

Oh dear, so you can see why I avoid the doctors, I clearly bring out the worst in them!

*The thrombosed pile story was previously published under my post “The Untold Indignities Of Pregnancy” and if you enjoyed that you might like my account of giving birth with Kieran.