The great thing about Twitter is that you get the chance to meet and get to know some fabulous people. Wendy is such a person. Known to many of you as @savvymum4autism who writes The Savette Gazette she works tirelessly to educate and promote awareness of special needs and autism, being someone who knows all too well the issues involed as she is a Mum of children with both.
I asked Wendy to write me a guest post and assumed she would write me a fab post about an autism related subject. What she has sent me is very different and quite harrowing. Can I just say Wendy – I know how difficult it was to write this, as you never have before. I applaud your bravery.
This post is something completely different for me and not something I would normally write but when Nicki from curlyandcandid asked me to write a post I thought it would give me the perfect chance to talk about this.
A lot of you don’t know, but I was married before. In fact I was with him 10 years but married for 4 years. Anyway, my life seemed to be going well when all of a sudden after a year of marriage he started to change. First of all it was just subtle changes but never enough for people to notice. He became very domineering firstly telling me that I had no right to opinion and what he said went. This got to such an extent that when I was a home I wasn’t allowed to talk. As time went on his mood/attitude got worse
We never used to have much food in the house and 1 week of food would have to last 2 weeks. It was only later on that I found that he was in fact having meals at work whilst I was at home starving. Then there was the fact he got a job where I worked so now he was literally with me 24/7. He used to come with me to work even if he was on a different shift. Then I would get a 101 questions of who I talked to, what did they say etc, when we got home. He never asked outside the house but when we got home he started.
A first it was just different things being thrown at me if I did or said something wrong, then it got worse. He started pushing me, pulling me. He began telling me what clothes to wear well basically all he would buy was men’s polo shirts which I was forced to wear as he ripped all my clothes. He then began damaging my personal things. He read my entire collection of diary’s from when I was a teenager and used to come out with extracts from them whilst we were at work. Everyone else thought it was just a joke.
A few months later he started to hurt me, in fact to this day my breastbone hurts where I was laying on a settee and he sat on my chest all 15 stone of him. Then he pretends he was play fighting but this was no play fight he used to punch me in my ribs or the tops of my legs. It got to the stage where he wouldn’t let me out of the house at all. I wasn’t allowed to go shopping, take the dog out, and visit my Grandparents. I was a prisoner in my own home. Well I wouldn’t call it home, it was a house. That was another thing I used to work 12 hour shifts yet I was expected to always keep the house tidy. I wasn’t allowed to cook that was his domain I wasn’t allowed in HIS kitchen.
He destroyed my self esteem so much that I wouldn’t look at people when they talked to me and I spoke in a very quiet timid voice,for years, even after finally plucking up the courage to leave him. Later I found out he was having an affair anyway. It’s the old saying you never know what goes on behind closed doors.
You can see why this touched me. Not the post you would expect from the bubbly Wendy – but as she says, you never see what goes on behind closed doors.
As before, it took a lot for Wendy to share this story, and I thank her. After reading this post I would ask you to visit Women’s Aid. This is a fab service and website with lots of information, support and more to help victims of domestic abuse and their families. If you feel you want to make a donation to the fantastic work they do, please do, if not, be aware of the services they offer and post a link to the website on your Facebook or Twitter. If one person visits and it encourages them to get the help they need, it is worth the few minutes effort.
Wendy will read any messages you leave her in comments, so do take a minute to post a quick hello to her. I know she would appreciate it.
Thank you,
A most humble, Nicki
Wendy, I know all too well where you’re coming from. All I can say is thank god you had the sense and courage to leave him.
Thank you for your comment, it took a lot to leave him. At first I couldn’t see what he was doing, then one day woke up and saw him in his true light.
wendy
Just want to second what Nicki has said – a very brave post indeed. I hope that it helped to put it down on paper. Many years ago as a solicitor I dealt with women facing these sorts of issues. They are never easy, and hopefully this post may one day help someone else. Well done, Wendy. xx
Thank you for your comment Emma . I am hoping this post does help someone or even stop someone going through the same things xx
The things that people do to other people truly amaze me – no-one should have to be treated this way and it is a testament to your character that you were able to leave. It’s so true that we think we know people but don’t really see what’s going on with them – writing this post was a really courageous thing to do.
Thank you for your comment Stacey.
I must admit leaving him was the hardest thing to do, even though I had met someone else he still kept pestering me and texting me all hours. It all stopped when I had my phone pinched .
wendy
Well done Wendy for sharing this, it sounds very familiar to me as well. It would be good to know how you left the marriage, as that is often the hardest part xx
Thank you for your comment.
I think most can relate to this some way which is very sad and I wish I could help people.
leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did I had tried several times before but one day made up my mind and did it. I never looked back xxxx
Well done for being so brave and leaving him. I know how hard it is when you lose your self confidence because of someone else’s behaviour. Stay strong xx
Thank you for your comment.
I had lost all that was me, I had to re-find myself it did take a few years. Even now I still think I am not good enough for my husband and family xx
Babe, you know how much a love and admire you. And now even more so, you are a toal inspiraion, thatafter everything youave been through you are an amazing friend, a wonderful wife and an expectional mother. For you to trust again must have been tremendously hard.
As for ‘him’ our opinion doesnt count HA look at you now, look at ow many people look up to you. My nan had a great saying, he will get his come uppance for treating a beatiful human being like that, Karma will find him. But yu dont need to ever spend one second thinking of him cos he isnt worth it. You inspire me in so many ways my love!!
Thank Smurfy for your comment.
I think I maybe mentioned him to you before but it is very rare I do talk about him. He is a part of my life i wish to forget. He is with another mouse now, hopefully he is having an awful life lol
Great post Wendy. Very harrowing for you. I used to work for Women’s Aid. Abuse takes many different forms & can be so subtle that often you second guess yourself. If something doesn’t feel right then it’s prob not! Thanx for sharing Wendy. X
Hi thanks for your comment.
I was for ever second guessing myself , thinking what had I done wrong to upset him. Hopefully this post will help someone xxx
Wendy,
you and I have so much in common, my son who has aspergers is from my first marriage, a marriage which lasted 4 months, 4 months of hell at the hands of a man who I’d gone to school with and thought I knew well but he changed on the day we got married into an abusive, evil incarnate man, he’s never seen his son since he was 4 months old and I’m glad he has no interest, 3 years after escaping the abuse I met my now hubby who is the most brilliant dad to my son and our girls which we’ve had together in our long and happy 11 year marriage.
It’s such a hard subject to write or talk about but it happens more often than it should and I hope that this might reach out and help someone because there are happy endings, you never dream that of course when you are being shouted at or hit or having irons thrown at you (is it any wonder I don’t ever Iron, haha).
big hugs
Mandy
Hi Mandy thanks for your comment.
yes we are very similar. I had a daughter with the idiot, he was having an affair just after she was born. When my now husband wanted to adopt her , he just signed her over just like that so callous .
We are better with our new husbands that for certain, so pleased you found a new man who you are happy with.
Yes I very dubious of irons as well lol xxxxx
Wendy,
No one truly knows what goes on behind closed doors, and to open up your doors for people to know a bit about your past, is nothing other than (in my eyes) fantastic, almost heroic.
No one deserves to be abused, physically, emotionally, mentally etc, and often it was always a touchy subject if ppl wanted to open up and express themselves with their inner most feelings.
You are an INSPIRATION to other women out there that their voices CAN and WILL be HEARD.
I’m sure we will all learn valuable life lessons following each other and finding out that little bit more.
Love
Clair xx
Thank you Clair for your comment.
I really hope this post does help someone. Its true you never know whats really going on.
I hope that people have the confidence to come forward and say this is what is happening to me help me.
Thank you for the compliment xxx