One of the biggest lessons I’ve found since becoming a Mum is that suddenly everyone is an expert and so keen to criticise your parenting choices! This saddens me more than you know.
I am a bottle-feeder, I haven’t fed on demand, I put my two boys into their own cots in their own rooms from day one, I don’t attend Baby Massage and I weaned my eldest at 3.5months (& it wasn’t baby-led weaning either!). I decided to go back to work full-time (therefore abandoning my child), but changed my mind and stayed at home instead (avoiding the opportunity to instil a firm work ethic into my child).
Shocked?
We were told that we may not ever be able to conceive after a diagnosis of PCOS but we don’t like being told what we can or can’t do. Early in 2005 we fell pregnant but it wasn’t to be. We were devastated to say the least. When I fell pregnant again later that year I daren’t breathe for the first 4 months but after that we settled into thinking about motherhood and how we wanted to raise our child/ren. We decided that we wanted to bottle feed. I wanted Roy (the long-suffering husband) to have as much to do with the feeding process as possible, the idea of expressing horrified me (if anyone even glanced at my chest during pregnancy the “girls” started to throb), and to be honest, it just didn’t appeal to me. Perhaps it’s the control freak in me but I like knowing how many ounces have been taken.
Well… I would have got a less fierce/shocked/disappointed response to “I’m a heroin addict and sell myself at the weekend to fund my habit” than the reaction to “I’ve decided to bottle-feed” from some quarters! And some of these people were “friends”! Don’t I know breast is best? Of course I do, and don’t get me wrong I think breastfeeding is the most beautiful and nurturing thing going – it just wasn’t for me.
Putting the boys into their own rooms… when Kieran was born, this was more of a room issue than anything else but as we were adjoining and in a bungalow, it was never an issue as he was only a few feet away. When Taylor was born, we had moved but the room is still next door – and again, he has settled fantastically from day one. In fact both boys slept through from an early age, Kieran at 3.5wks and Taylor at 7wks (and no, this was not why I chose to bottle-fed etc, I have found myself explaining again and again).
Both boys are thriving. The Health Visitor told me at 5 months that Kieran was perfect, “absolutely thriving” were her words, and asked if I’d thought about weaning yet. When I explained this started at 3.5months she chuckled and said “Well, I can’t say a thing to that can I? He was clearly ready!” And he was. Taylor, is (gulp) nearly 16 weeks and nowhere near ready for weaning, each to their own.
Throughout Kieran’s early days I got plenty of comments about my choices, and would back away, find myself making excuses or mumbling but those days have passed. I have two happy & healthy boys. I am confident that the choices I have made have been the right ones for us, and I won’t apologise for them. Most Mums have been subjected to criticism at some point or other (for those of you with babies only – just wait until your toddler has their first meltdown in Tescos! EVERYONE has a comment for you then lol) and I don’t think that will ever change really. My message to you all is to stick to your guns (assuming your parenting style does not involve ritual beatings) and don’t get caught up in it all. Celebrate your family and enjoy every minute of them, they grow so quickly!
**I wrote this post originally for Emma over at TheRealSupermum & to be honest was overwhelmed by the fantastic response from her readers (please do pop over and have a read!) and Emma was more than happy for me to repost it here so I could share it with you good people!
This is so true! When my son was young he was ace at tantrums in supermarkets and the way people make judgemental comments and look you would think he was unique. However you handled it there was always somebody that knew better. Trust your own instincts about what is right for you and your child.
Every family is unique! What works for some people doesn’t work for everyone! I love this blog! It encourages people to think for themselves! I had to see my HV about weaning the other day! They made the appointment not me! I was quite insulted that they told me they were coming and felt I didn’t have much choice in the matter! How does anyone learn to understand their own child with constant intervention and statements of you must do this but not this!!!! I have just started weaning my 15 week old!!!! And yes I bottle fed too!!! Thank you Nicki I feel less like I’m alone on some things!!!!
I’ve loved the blog and the comments. I had my daughter 30 years ago and no-one ever thought of making personal/critical/”helpful” remarks then. Perhaps they had better manners (mind you that didn’t stop my mother making acid remarks to other people about the fact that “I’d rue the day I spoilt THAT child” I’m still waiting for that day to arrive.
As for tantrums in the supermarket, my heart goes out to the parent trying to cope and juggle the shopping trolley, some tantrums can be amazingly theatrical and creative.
Mums you are wonderful, enjoy every moment as the days pass so quickly even if it doesn’t feel like that at the time.
Wow what a fantastic thing to put on the blog u r right people r always to quick to judge. Everyone has different parenting styles. I dont believe there is a right or wrong way when it comes to parenting after all these little bundles do not come with instruction manuels lol. People should not critisise others in
my opinion being called a bad mum cuts like a knife .
We dont always get it right first time with the choices we make for our kids but give us a chance and we will get there eventually i know im a good mum and i am safe in the knowledge knowing my children are happy and healthy and thriving .Tantrums mood swings ect every parent deals with them differently i myself choose to let them get on with it they will calm down eventually u will just have to ignore the dirty judgemental looks and whispers from other shoppers
We are all doing a great job i cant believe how quick they grow up enjoy them while u can and take photographs as often as possible they are always changing its hard to keep up xx
It is so strange how people feel they can happily dictate how we raise our children. If I were to be seen beating my kids round the head with a frying pan in public then I think it would be acceptable for someone to maybe have a quiet word with me, but if I am not harming a hair on their heads then leave me be.
Interestingly enough i bottle fed two and pureed for two and then breast fed and baby led weaned the latest addition; I blogged about it here:
http://northernmum.wordpress.com/2010/12/21/jumping-on-the-bandwagon-breast-is-best/
we do what suits us at the time and what is best for our family. You sound like you have the strength of character to ignore the wallies out there but others can get so upset by people critiscing them
I agree – leave good mums alone
xxx
Just made my day, thank you 🙂
My two beautiful girls are now 13 and 14… I’ve raised them since the age of four and five as a single mum (Dad is very much involved in spite of our horrendous split) I run my own business, have my own house, a dog, a cat, two rescue rabbits, an old guinea pig and a snake (all the children’s pets initially lol) I am otherwise confident until it comes to discussions about feeding… I STILL carry “guilt” about not breast feeding – I did express for three weeks – my first baby was 6 weeks prem and didnt seem able to take to breast feeding any more than I did. Expressed out of guilt, didnt have enough milk, had to top up feed with formula, baby ended up constipated and I ended up with PND and generally felt more like a failing Daisy the cow than anything.
Amazing the mess created in our heads by so called well meaning critics!
LOVE this post. Feel like a new Mum again! Want to rewind and do it my way whilst sticking my tongue out at everyone lol! xx