Dispelling the myths. Birth and Beyond!


When I fell pregnant we were overjoyed! I have PCOS and associated fertility problems, so a successful pregnancy didn’t happen overnight, like we assumed it would. From 14weeks when we started to feel “safe”, I was in those baby magazines, pregnancy books, read the NHS guide cover to cover- you name it. Well! I can tell you now that not everything is as it is written, from birth to the 101 “essentials” you need for baby!

The Birth! My birth was nothing like I expected, and like I said, being a good first time Mum I read the books and the forums and packed what now seems like a ridiculous amount of “birth” stuff i.e. lavender for the wrists, spritzer to keep me cool, little fan, cds, small snacks, books, the list goes on. My birth plan was neatly typed: No pain relief apart from Gas and Air
Female attendants only if possible -No students Yeah right!

July 1st 06, 5.40am I got up, went to the loo and my waters broke with a bang! I was instantly on the floor with a massive contraction. Obviously something was wrong, it must have been… I was a week early- that couldn’t be right? And besides, my contractions were in my back? I crawled to the phone- they asked me to come in as my contractions were exactly nothing apart- just constant. Picture me, curly hair everywhere flying wildly dragging huge labour bag to the door whilst screaming “owww owww owww MOVE IT” to the poor husband! I rang Mum from the car (on all fours!) to tell her it was burning and to hurry and get to the hospital!

We got to the hospital (thank goodness for clear roads) and no joke I was running down the corridor dragging bag one of useless rubbish, hubby to the rear with another bag with baby stuff. We walked (hop, skip, jumped) into the labour room for a preliminary exam, I whipped my trousers and pants off and leant over the bed.
Midwife: Um what are you doing Dear?”
Midwife, Oh bless (pats my hand- which she was lucky stayed intact), I take it this is your first? You said on the phone baby wasn’t engaged yesterday- shall we have a look?
Midwife: OH! Ok, I can see the head- um can we get another midwife in and get Mrs C settled?
Midwife: Sorry sweetheart- no chance – would you like some gas and air?
Me: NOW!


You can see how labour turned a usually shy and retiring girl into a raving lunatic in a pretty short space of time! Not sure that was in the NHS guide?! 

The labour went on pretty quick after that. Mum got there fairly quick, they took the Gas and Air off me “Mrs C, you are pushing with your throat dear”. Have to disagree with that one, my throat didn’t hurt at all lol! The team were actually fantastic and despite the fact the midwife who started off with me had finished her shift during the first half an hour, she stayed with me, with the other midwife. An hour in someone found my birth plan (like I cared lol!) which said no students- one student was present throughout and she was absolutely fabulous. On reading the birth plan, I was asked if I wanted her to leave, poor girl nearly lost her arm when I grabbed it and said “Noooo she’s loooovely!”.
The only time I really snapped was when my midwife said “One more pushhhh”, I pushed, “That it, one more push” I pushed, “One more push hun”. “ONE PLUS ONE PLUS ONE IS THREE, NOT ONE!!!”. Bad Nicki!
At 8.05am Kieran was born, 7lb 13oz. And for any first timers- the pain does just stop. I consider this a very positive birth story. I tore very badly and had to be stitched (by a MAN < seriously, you just don’t care!), and was a little disturbed when they gave me the gas and air BACK for stitches having taken it off me for labour! That first cuddle was amazing, and I was SO tired but didn’t care! Mum cut Kieran’s cord as we’d planned and my fantastic husband did exactly what I need him to do, stood nearby, made slightly encouraging noises, and allowed me to glare at him with murder in my eyes every so often! My one worry was that my placenta didn’t want to come out despite the injection and they were considering rolling me through to theatre. There was NO way they were putting me out etc after a natural birth lol, so they gave me a bed pan, catheterised me (just in and out to get rid of any wee build up!), I jumped up and down on the bed pan and placenta (intact), shot out! Don’t mess with me, I’m a Mum now don’t you know! The student and the midwife after I was stitched popped me into the ensuite and helped shower me down (they were angels, and a shower on the hottest day of the year was magical!). So that is it, my much quicker than expected, but fairly amusing birth story. I do hope no2 is similar! Just goes to show though, the real truths of giving birth etc are the ones you will hear from those that know – Mums! I have to say I do still chuckle when I think of my hospital bag/trunk/monster. This time (Yes, I’m doing this again in December lol!) I will leave out the lavender but might scour eBay and invest in a taser (ha ha ha here hubby, hubby, hubby!). After Birth (As in after baby comes home, not the actual afterbirth!). I had some fantastic gadgets, every cream, powder, lotion and potion, this bathing aid, this special cushion, that ridiculously priced box of cables that I never quite worked out, and am sure is under our bed somewhere! Yup, being a first timer, bored and on maternity leave I bought everything every online advert told me I needed. I used 30% of them if that, but the things I did use were invaluable! Having learned my lesson after assuming that the books that described my labour would be spot on (lol!) I have decided this time I would ask the true experts what items on the market are really worth buying, really do what they say on the tin/box/bottle and am very happy to be someone who can now help other Mums, first time and otherwise by having become a BizzieBaby Tester! Those in the know, parents and their children test items on the market and report back with a REAL LIFE review. If you haven’t had a look at the site please do. And remember, don’t believe everything you read in books and magazines, believe in recommendations from real people, in real situations. (Oh and unless you have a good aim, a king-size bottle of lavender essence is NOT going to ease your labour – take it from someone who knows! )


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  1. Nicki you have literally had me in stitches reading this! Everything you said is so true, I must have looked like I was moving into st james' when I was in labour with Elle – so different to the basics I took in with Jack and Daniel lolAs for birth plans, well what can I say…. 😉

    1. Tell me about it! THAT I wasn’t expecting- for Taylor’s birth I’d planned a home waterbirth, got a planned C-Section due to Gest Diabetes etc.
      Perhaps I should just stop planning?

  2. he he, that’s just really made me giggle. I even took my cross stitch! a ruddy cross stitch, what did I think I’d be doing, drinking tea whilst threading my needle? But the books said you’ll have a lot of time and it would be boring… yeah right!! 🙂

  3. Haha, that actually had me laughing out loud! So funny and such great comic imagery! I loved that you still held standards of arithmetic important at such a moment 🙂 x

    1. Snort! Seriously, maths is not a big-thing for me usually but when I’m counting down to the time my nethers will stop burning, um yes, a bit of accuracy would be appreciated! :p

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